Two tickets

South African
Our plane tickets to East Africa were on South African Airways in/out of Entebbe, in Uganda. We had no set plans for these five weeks, and in the end found ourselves in Zanzibar in week 4. The return to Entebbe would involve two hours on a boat, a ten-hour bus ride to Arusha, six more hours to Nairobi, another ten-hour bus ride to Kampala, and a one-hour matatu journey down to the airport. So, we thought, why not change our flight to leave from Dar es Salaam (or even from Zanzibar) for the return to Johannesburg? If the change fee were less than $150 each, the cost of visas and buses and all those hours would make it an easy decision.

First stop, the South African office in Dar, where we met a not-so-friendly employee of the airline.

-You cannot change a ticket once you have begun the journey.
-But we are willing to pay a change fee!
-No, this ticket can't be changed. You can buy another ticket leaving from Dar, one way. How much? Five hundred and seventy-eight US dollars. Each.
-But we have a ticket from Entebbe, and your flight from Dar on the same day at almost the same time isn't full. Why can't we just get on it?
-What I'm explaining to you is that you can't change a ticket once you have used one leg. You might be able to get a refund from the issuer and then apply those funds to a new ticket, but you'll need to call Orbitz since they issued you the ticket.

Orbitz
Hmm. Calling the US is, at best, difficult and expensive. Still, thirty hours of buses impelled us to try. We've been carrying around a cellphone with a Uganda SIM card in it, so we loaded it up with ten dollars of airtime and dialed the Orbitz number, some 212 area code in the US. We don't know our own phone number, though, which was never an issue previously but which turned out to be relevant here. Becca drew the short straw and dialed. I watched with some glee....

She pushed a "1."
Another "1."
-Existing reservation.
Uh-oh, voice recognition computer.
-Change ticket.
Making progress...
-Speak to a representative.
Uh-oh.
-Speak to a representative.
-SPEAK TO A REPRESENTATIVE.
La-di-la-di-la-la-laaa. La-di-la-di-la-la-laaa. Sounds like on-hold music. Please remain on the line, all our representatives are busy, your call will be answered in the order it was received.

Several minutes pass and we imagine our airtime value slowly eroding. We can receive calls for free, though.

Hello, thank you for calling Orbitz. Your business is important to us and I appreciate you waiting on the line to speak to....
-Hi! I'm-calling-from-Zanzibar-and-I'm-about-out-of-airtime, can-you-see-my-number-there-and-call-me-back?
Sure, uh, uhm, one-two-one-two...
-No, that's YOUR number. I'm-calling-from-a-256-country-code.
She shoots me a "I can't believe I'm calling the US for a dollar-a-minute and the thing got forwarded to India" look. Money is running out here.
Uh, uhm, no, if you give me your number I can call you back.
-No, I-don't-know-it, let's-see-if-we-can-get-this-done. I-want-to-change-a-ticket.
Becca rattled off the ticket record, eyes rolling upward repeatly.
This ticket isn't allowed to be changed by South Afrrican once it's in progress, ma'am.
-Right, I know that, is there any way to cancel and reissue, or anyway I can get a refund on this ticket and buy a new ticket out of Dar.
I think you will need to speak to South African ma'am.-Uh, they-told-me-to-call-you.
I'm sorry ma'am, what I see here....

Click. Our airtime was finished.

Second chance
So we're stuck on the bus. Or maybe not. In our research we discovered a Plan B; Air Uganda runs flights from Zanzibar to Entebbe for $300 a ticket. We'll still need to buy visas, but we avoid the ferry and the buses and Nairobi and all the rest. AND they have a website with a Book-It button!! Better and better!
So we log on, choose the flight, click the Book-It button, and....nothing. Try it again and....nothing. Hmm.

Ah, Air Uganda has an office in Zanzibar, perfect. A two-kilometer walk from the hotel, it's a bit warm today but what the heck. Let's avoid those damned buses!!

-Hello, welcome to Air Uganda.
-Thank you! We'd like to fly on Sunday from here to Entebbe. Do you have any seats available?
-Yes, and they are 293 dollars each.
-We'll take them. Here's our credit card.
-Sorry, we accept payment in US dollars. Oh, and I'm closed tomorrow. And I'm leaving at 4:30 today.

What? Here we go again. We need cash and we need it in an hour. Fortunately, we've got several hundred US dollars still on the roll. Unfortunately, by now we've discovered that old dollars are no good (somebody muttered something about counterfeiting--whatever--but four of our hundreds would be cigarette wrappers by now if either of us smoked). So we're stuck with the double-conversion problem again. There's an ATM nearby to give us apparently useless Tanzanian shillings. We need to convert 800,000 shillings into dollars and get back to the office in an hour.

Bingo. The nearby ATM spits out 400,000. Combined with the 100,000 in my pocket we are well on our way. Of course, we've maxed out that card for the day. Next card..."Sorry, this card cannot be accepted." Uh-oh. Down the street we go to Barclay's. "ATM is finished," says the guard. Double-uh-oh. How much is back at the hotel, another 100,000, plus some US dollars? That gets us close.
Pretty soon we've got 600,000 shillings that we need to turn into dollars. Into the forex shop!!

-No dollars today.
-What? It says you are selling at 1505...?
-Sorry.

Ok, ok, next shop. We've got twenty minutes to the deadline.

-Sorry, no dollars here.
-DAMN!
-Try Eagle Forex.

Ok, next shop.

-Yes we can change four hundred, no problem.

Success!! The teller counts me out twenty twenty-dollar bills.
We stumble back into the Air Uganda office with a few minutes to spare. I've got 400 in twenties and a couple of post-2000 hundreds. We've done it!! Take this money, Air Uganda lady!

-Uh, the bank is going to charge me for these small-small bills.
-WHAT? What do you mean? You asked for dollars and here are dollars! What's the problem?
-These small bills, they are going to charge me three percent. These are no good.
-No no no no no. You said you needed 583 dollars, and here are 583 dollars. If you are going to convert them at the bank why do I have dollars? We had shillings and just converted them, we had to stop at three forex bureaus to get it done!
-And this hundred, it's from 2001 which is no good. It needs to be 2003.
-Wait, what? 2003? Why? You didn't say that before. I'm American, I brought this from the States, it's a good bill.
-Sorry, this other hundred is good. I'll take it. Now you owe me 486.
-Wait, so you won't take a credit card; you won't take perfectly good dollars; you asked for dollars, I got shillings and converted them to dollars, here they are, and now you won't take them because you can't convert them back to shillings. This makes no sense. I just want to buy a plane ticket, tell me what I need to do to buy this &*@#ing ticket!!?!
-Ok, maybe I can take these small bills, but you are still one hundred short. And I'm closing in five minutes.
-Uh, ok, that's progress. Umm, what can we do now about the other hundred?

And here's where the joy of travelling in Africa kicked in.

-Just pay me the other 100 at the airport. You can go find one this afternoon and you'll just pay me there on Sunday.

Which is exactly what happened. We showed up at the airport, waited for her to arrive to check in passengers, handed over a new hundred-dollar bill (that we'd finally gotten out of the ATM-forex black hole and which disappeared into some hidden pocket beneath her robes), got on the plane and two hours later we were in Entebbe. It was frustrating and stressful (not to mention sweaty, Zanzibar is like a sauna), and shame on us for not knowing the 2003 rule, or the small-bills rule, or the dollars-to-shillings-to-dollars-to-shillings option. But in the end we showed up at the airport, handed someone a hundred-dollar bill, and got on the plane.

Air Uganda turned out to be one of those real blessings you never expect but sometimes find in out-of-the-way places...great flight, brand new jet, comfortable and fast despite a quick stopover in Mombasa. Despite the pain-in-the-ass cash transaction, the contrast with South African and your-call-will-be-answered-in-the-order-we-received-it Orbitz was pretty striking. We've lost something with our endless computer menus, clueless voice-recognition software, by-the-book-even-if-it's-stupid policies, and far-way call centers staffed with people who aren't allowed to make decisions on their own. We would have been happy to give our money to South African and it would have been win-win. Instead we gave it to Air Uganda and are miffed at South African (which is, otherwise, a pretty good airline).